A friend of mine recently told me about his struggles trying to communicate with his younger brother. He didn’t know what to do next. He said it felt like trying to reach someone who was always just out of touch. His brother’s silence was like a wall, and he couldn’t find a way over it. During family dinners, while everyone else chatted easily, his brother stayed quiet, keeping his thoughts to himself. My friend watched his brother, hoping for some sign he was ready to talk, but the silence just hung there, making it clear how hard it was for him to open up.
This was interesting timing, because I just wrote a chapter for Brave Kids, Short Stories to Inspire Our Future World Changers, Vol. 3. My chapter focuses on the importance of active listening. In the story, Jasmine transforms a would-be bully into a friend by creating a safe space for conversation. By listening carefully, she allows her new schoolmate to share her feelings and alleviate her fears.
In today’s world, I believe kids have many more challenges than I did as a kid. Just keeping the line of communication open between a parent and their child has become more and more difficult. Consider a little kid, when asked what he did at preschool that day. He might respond with “nothing”. Jennifer Kolari, a therapist who wrote Parenting: How to Raise a Great Kid, says that’s because preschoolers can understand a lot but are still developing the language skills needed to really express what they want to say. I think it must be similar for a teen or young adult being thrown into an array of social settings without fully having the coping skills that come with life’s experiences that would normally come over time.
Being a good listener, an active listener, is important in all aspects of life. I do not pretend to be a doctor or a therapist and share the following assuming that you will know what makes sense for you and when it’s time to get professional help.
How to be a good listener: Stop talking. Yes, I laughed when I heard that, but I knew there was a lot more to the story.
Kate Matsudaira shared that tip. Kate is from Seattle, Washington. Her background is technology and computer science, and she is the mom of two little boys. She writes about “new technology leaders” and conducting effective conversations with the team. Being an active listener is at the top of her list! You can connect with Kate at katemats.com/blog/tips-exercises-better-listener
When it comes to our kids, focusing on truly hearing what they are saying without interrupting or judging, is key. But it’s hard, right? We can’t help but judge, even if we don’t vocalize it. and I suspect that is the key. We need to listen without interrupting. We want to create a safe space for open communication by validating their feelings; building trust so that they feel comfortable enough to talk.
Start with open-ended questions.
Okay, here are a few from the experts:
- What’s been on your mind lately?
- What’s one thing you’re looking forward to?
- What’s something that’s been bothering you?
- How are you feeling about school/work/friends right now?
- If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
- What’s something that makes you feel proud of yourself?
When trying to engage a quiet teen or young adult, open-ended questions that encourage reflection and sharing of feelings can be helpful. You want to ask questions that encourage them to express their emotions. Avoid “yes” or “no” questions.
Validate their feelings.
Acknowledge their emotions and let them know their feelings are valid. Make it clear that it’s okay to feel the way they do.
If a dialog appears possible, you can try some more specific open-ended questions:
- What are you passionate about?
- How are things with your friends?
- Do you feel you can be yourself around your family?
- What are your goals for the future?
- What’s a memory that brings you joy?
- What’s something you’ve learned recently?
Choose the right time.
Don’t try to force conversations when your child is upset or distracted; find calm moments to talk. Same goes for a teen or young adult.
Respect their boundaries.
If your person needs space, give it to them, but let them know you are available when they are ready.
Avoid lecturing or blaming.
Don’t criticize or make them feel guilty for not talking.
Effective listening is about self-awareness. You must pay attention to whether you are only hearing, passively listening, or actively engaging. Effective listening requires concentration and a focused effort that is known as active listening.
Active listening can be broken down into three main elements.
- Attention – Paying attention to what a person is saying requires intentional effort on your part.
- Attitude – Determine an internal motivation to be attentive to the person speaking. Approaching the task of listening with a positive attitude and an open mind will make the act of listening much easier.
- Adjustment – We don’t always know in advance what the person is going to say. Be flexible. If you’re more intent on reacting to or anticipating what will be said, you are not being an active listener.
Here’s what the experts say about when to seek professional help.
Significant changes in behavior
If your child or teen suddenly becomes withdrawn or secretive, especially when coupled with other concerning behaviors.
Persistent communication issues
If your child or teen consistently refuses to talk about important issues despite your efforts.
Concerns about mental health
If you suspect underlying issues like anxiety or depression that might be impacting their communication.
Resources:
- Kate Matsudaira – com/blog/tips-exercises-better-listener
- Three A’s of Active Listening, authored by Jenn Q. Goddu, M.A.
- Parenting: How to Raise a Great Kid, Jennifer Kolari
- Institute of Child Psychology – https://instituteofchildpsychology.com
- Fierce Listening, Advanced Teachings for Deepening Practice, Mark Brady
- The Lost Art of Listening, Michael P. Nichols, PhD and Martha B. Straus, PhD
